Raw Deal
by Giton
Summary: Crais helps retrieve Aeryn's body and deals with his own grief (ep filler Die Me Dichotomy)


Disclaimer on punctuation and spacing: Fanfiction.net seems to take some out!  
  
Disclaimer: "Farscape" is a protected trademark and I'm just borrowing the characters. I promise to give them back once I've used them, hopefully more or less intact.  
  
Following is an Episode filler of Die me Dichotomy.  
  
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Title: Raw Deal  
  
Author: GitonCrais  
  
Rating: General/AU  
  
Spoilers: Die me Dichotomy  
  
Keywords: Crais helps retrieve Aeryn's body  
  
Summary: Crais helps retrieve Aeryn's body and deals with his own grief  
  
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Raw Deal  
  
By GitonCrais  
  
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The realisation of Aeryn's death had hit him hard.  
  
Harder than anyone could understand, or than he would allow anyone to understand.  
  
When her voice cut out, when it became obvious that she had died, a scream of anguish was torn from his throat and he sank to the deck, while tears of grief, rage and frustration were threatening to escape his burning eyes.  
  
Talyn couldn't understand his grief and his questions only made it worse.  
  
Crais switched to privacy mode.  
  
.  
  
Crais made his way down to the planet quickly. He knew it was futile to try and save her. By the time they could move to the last coordinates, too much time would already have passed.  
  
It was unusual for a Peacekeeper to find and retrieve a dead body for burial. Dead was dead, that was the Peacekeeper belief. But the others thought differently. And Crais needed to know, to see the body. For now, it was unreal, and he didn't want to be plagued by any more ghosts. Tauvo's death still haunted him at times.  
  
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By the time he joined the others, he had managed to regain his composure. Not a trace of his own personal grief was visible.  
  
They had been surprised to see him come down to the planet to help retrieve Aeryn's body.  
  
D'Argo had stepped forward to block his way. They could find her on their own. They didn't need him. She had been one of them. She had ceased being a Peacekeeper.  
  
Something in Crais' unnatural calm made D'Argo step aside.  
  
Crais gave no explanation for his presence; there was none needed.  
  
.  
  
Crais glanced over at Crichton. His initial urge was to throttle the Human but he stifled this.  
  
Crichton was comforted by Chiana and sat huddled near the transport pod. Zhaan was by Crichton's side in case he needed her. That left Ka D'Argo, Rygel and Crais to find Aeryn.  
  
The hole in the ice caused by Aeryn's crash was a good indicator where to start looking for her body and it was big enough to let them enter the water.  
  
Rygel went in first and after a steady stream of profanities that the water was too cold, dove under. Ka D'Argo took his tunic and shirt off. His ability to withstand the cold of space made him a perfect choice to join the Hynerian. He took a breather-mask with him. A long line attached to his belt was the only safety-line. He looked at Crais, who was holding the other end. "You'd better be reeling me back in when I need to," he said with slitted eyes, his voice menacing.  
  
Crais looked up calmly and said nothing.  
  
Finally, Ka D'Argo also plunged in the water.  
  
Crais' gloved hands had a firm grip on the long rope. The end he had tied to a boulder nearby. He stood at the water's edge, feeding the rope slowly into the water.  
  
The cold was creeping up on him while he waited for the others to resurface or give any indication that they had found something. He dreaded to think how cold it must be in the water.  
  
.  
  
After twenty microns, which had felt like an eternity, Crais could feel the tugging on the rope. They had either found her or they were in trouble.  
  
Crais put his back into it and was glad for the protection of his gloves. He could feel the cold seep through the gloves when he touched the wet rope.  
  
He needed all his strength to pull the rope in and soon he was sweating, despite the cold.  
  
Zhaan had walked away from Crichton and moved to the water's edge, looking intensely into the water. She'd had the foresight of bringing thermal blankets and towels with her.  
  
She glanced quickly at Crais and saw how he strained, depending on his strength alone to reel in the rope without help from anyone else. It was apparent that something heavy was being dragged out of the water.  
  
Rygel was the first to surface; he heaved himself easily out of the water. Zhaan moved quickly over to him to quick-towel him dry and wrap him in a thermal blanket.  
  
"D"Argo?" She asked anxiously, "Is he all right?"  
  
Rygel nodded.  
  
"Did you find Aeryn?"  
  
Again Rygel nodded, this time sadly. He huddled in the blanket near the water's edge.  
  
Crais was still pulling on the rope; soon a dark shape came up. Ka D'Argo surfaced alongside it.  
  
Crais pulled the object to the water's edge before tying the rope off on the boulder. He walked to the edge and offered his hand to help Ka D'Argo out.  
  
Ka D'Argo growled at him, "I'll manage. We have to get Aeryn's flight-chair out of the water."  
  
Crais said nothing and shifted his attention to the chair. He could see the top of Aeryn's head, her hair moved strangely in the water. Crais clenched his jaw.  
  
He took a firm grip on the top of the chair. Slowly it rose out of the water while Crais pulled and Ka D'Argo pushed from underneath.  
  
Finally, it lay on the ice.  
  
Ka D'Argo heaved himself out of the water and Zhaan moved over to him to get him dried and covered.  
  
.  
  
Crais had a good look at Aeryn. She sat so still in her flight-chair, she almost looked asleep.  
  
The cold, icy water must have immediately frozen her insides.  
  
Before Crais could step forwards, Crichton had seen that the chair had been brought up and in a wild scramble, pushing Chiana aside in the process, he moved to Aeryn's lifeless body. He draped himself over her and sobbed uncontrollably.  
  
Crais stepped back. He could understand the grief the other man felt and found that he didn't want to intrude.  
  
Soon the others came forward and almost formed a circle around Crichton and the chair, consoling him.  
  
Crais felt strangely left out but neither did he feel the inclination to join the group. He folded the rope mechanically for something to do, other than thinking of Aeryn. Now and then he glanced over at the little group who allowed themselves to grieve so openly.  
  
Crais felt a hand on his shoulder and he slowly turned around to look in the kind eyes of Zhaan.  
  
"Thank you, Crais," she said softly. "We couldn't have done it without you."  
  
"Glad to be of assistance," he responded automatically.  
  
"Still, you were here when we needed you."  
  
"I would have been happier if we could have prevented it from happening in the first place."  
  
"We all would," replied Zhaan, "Will you stay for the send-off?"  
  
Crais looked up and searched her eyes, "You think the others would want me there?"  
  
For a split microt, Crais saw something like annoyance play over Zhaan's features. "I am not talking about the others. I am asking you. You were her friend too. Will you be there?"  
  
Crais nodded.  
  
"Good," she smiled, "Will you be sharing a meal with us?"  
  
"I don't think..."  
  
"You don't need to be on your own either."  
  
Crais looked up sharply.  
  
Zhaan smiled at him, "I know you cared for her too."  
  
When he looked at her intently, she continued softly, "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." She walked away.  
  
Finally, the rope was rolled up and Crais walked over to the others.  
  
Rygel and Ka D'Argo were still wrapped in their blankets. Crichton was still draped over Aeryn, while Chiana was comforting him.  
  
Ka D'Argo looked over at Crais, "I'm glad you didn't let go of the rope." It was his only concession to saying, "Thank you".  
  
Crais nodded.  
  
Crais' words of comfort to the others were accepted in silence. Crichton was too submerged in his own grief and guilt to even acknowledge it.  
  
.  
  
The send-off was a quiet affair. Crais laid his medal of Valour in the pod with Aeryn's body.  
  
The others looked at him strangely, couldn't understand. Aeryn would have understood and when Crais looked up he saw that Zhaan did too.  
  
.  
  
With Aeryn gone, there was nothing left for Crais to come back to, other than the ties of Moya and Talyn. Crais had no affinity with the others and he knew they were happy to see the back of him. Maybe except for Zhaan. She had been the only one to approach him and to offer comfort, well aware that he needed it too.  
  
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While Crais was with the others, Moya had explained to Talyn what had happened. Had explained the grief the others felt for Aeryn's loss. Talyn had listened carefully.  
  
.  
  
Rather than stay on Moya and suffer the others' glares, Crais preferred to be on his own.  
  
When he returned to Talyn, he disengaged privacy mode, having prepared himself to listen to a whole barrage of questions from Talyn.  
  
Crais was surprised when those questions did not come. He knew that Moya must have had a hand in it.  
  
Crais stood in Command and turned the vidchip in his hand.  
  
Talyn chirped ~It would have been nice if she had been able to see it before she died~  
  
Crais answered in a choked voice, "Yes, Talyn. I too would have liked to show Aeryn what we learned from this chip."  
  
~Pity we couldn't show her~  
  
Crais bit back the grief, which was restricting his throat, "I think... (he swallowed deeply) I think it would have made her the happiest soul among us."  
  
He looked at the now useless vidchip; the one it was meant for would never see it. He would never see the smile on Aeryn's face.  
  
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Finally, the grief became too much and he left Command in a hurry. His steps led him to his quarters. He splashed water on his face but it didn't do much to stop the heartache he felt.  
  
He came out of the refresher. The pain of her loss settled like a vice around his heart.  
  
Talyn asked ~Are you all right, Crais?~  
  
"Yes, Talyn, I am."  
  
~Do you miss her?~  
  
"I will."  
  
Talyn was quiet for a little while ~Why didn't you stay on Moya for a little while? My mother said, that it was normal for bipeds to gather together to mourn the death of one of their own. Don't you mourn for her?~ There was curiosity in Talyn's thoughts.  
  
Crais sat down on the edge of his bed and stared at the blank wall in front of him  
  
"Yes, Talyn, I mourn for her. Deeply. She was a good comrade and we could have been good friends, had circumstances been different. In fact, I believe she was. I will miss her very much."  
  
Crais stood up and looked out of the view-port at Moya. "But my grief had no place with them. I would rather mourn on my own."  
  
Talyn was quiet for a moment ~You aren't alone. I miss her too. She was my friend too. I do not understand what I'm feeling right now~  
  
A mixture of loneliness, emptiness and sadness washed over Crais when he could feel what Talyn was experiencing, an echo of his own feelings.  
  
Crais swallowed deeply and cleared his throat.  
  
He realized that Talyn was experiencing loss for the first time in his young life. He became aware, that he, Crais, could feel the Leviathan's grief engulfing his own.  
  
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Crais had always been a man of strong passions. He was aware of it but had never really admitted to it. He had tried to suppress it until there was no more room in his heart to keep it hidden, until it would finally find an explosive outlet. The death of Tauvo had brought that home to him. Madness had been the result.  
  
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Talyn had never experienced the raw emotion of grief. To him it was strange, upsetting. He couldn't understand what he was feeling and it unsettled him. He couldn't understand the anger and the helplessness or the emptiness inside. He panicked.  
  
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Crais fell back on the bed and covered his face with his hands, tears finding their way past closed fingers. He wanted to escape to privacy mode, hide his feelings, hide the grief, bury it deep inside him and not experience it. But he knew he couldn't. He had to explain it to Talyn or else be confronted by it whenever the link was open.  
  
Crais' hands fell away from his face and he stared at Talyn's red ceiling, saw it pulse with life and felt Talyn's expectancy.  
  
Spoken words were inadequate for what he wanted to say or express and his thoughts merged with Talyn's.  
  
The explanation came in word-thoughts, feelings and images. Slowly Talyn calmed down, his curiosity sated. He understood, while Crais too felt comforted and calmed down, for the first time not alone in his grief.  
  
.  
  
Moya could feel her son calm down, could feel Crais calm down, both comforted by each other's presence. She was glad they were there for each other, finding comfort and strength in the other's thoughts.  
  
If she had any misgivings of Crais being Talyn's Pilot or their link, it dissolved while she listened to their exchange.  
  
With a loving parting thought to Talyn, she withdrew her link from Talyn.  
  
They would be all right now.   
  
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The End  
  
1 


End file.
